 | About Me | Mar 20, 2007 |
 | Married! | Jun 24, '10 11:37 AM
for everyone |
Yes, we are-- coming up to a month in 4 days, in fact. Wedding #1 of 3, and we agree, our official anniversary, just to simplify things. We also think Wedding #1 will have been the simplest, oh well, relish the moment, then, huh?
Sorry if we didn't mention this. Life has been quite the beehive.
We will write more soon. There are sites now I will look at because of Camyl: this one and this one. And cutesy here! Sigh. I also like to experiment, and my latest was eyelash extensions. Verdict: They are more trouble than they are worth. They make you look like some sexy star with that come-hither look, like that of Sofia Loren, but say you wash your face? The moisture is trapped in the fake lashes and causes extreme discomfort. Also, the lashes are spiky and hurt when touched. It can stay for 2 weeks if you're careful: 2 weeks of beautiful discomfort. No thanks. I'm glad I got them off in a bit over a week. And J told me my lashes are pretty the way they are, or something like that. Cutie. <3 In Manila now, came with J but he left for Houston this morning. Folks told me to tone down the affection, oops! Good news, though, is that he's so far been given the stamp of approval and the waggy-eyebrows-and-hopeful-smiles ;) Mom and Dad have asked me about plans, and so has my grandma. Haven't told them about moving in, though, but I will have to, and hopefully it'll be ok *crosses fingers*. My grandma went one step further to ask about religion. That is something I won't have him change as it's not as big a deal for me as it is for them, much to my grandma's disappointment. But aside from that, everything else is looking dandy, which is itself a blessing. J even learned some beginner's Tagalog, and would ask me for vocabulary. We plied him with as much culture and food as we could, much to his consternation. I tell him that Filipinos are just that way: hospitable to the nth degree. Nonetheless, I hope he had a great time, and that there will be a next time. As of now, I still have a bit of under a week--to relax, and to see old friends and places. And old friends stay friends, as if time was never there. It is an awesome feeling. More for later. Suleman's pregnant belly (be forewarned that it is unbelievably ginormous) Slideshow of pictures hereA 6-page interview hereKeeping up with mail more than reading news makes for a not-as-up-to-date me as I'd like. However, as J and I were divesting ourselves of climbing gear and I was speaking to David, a staff person from TRG came up and started remarking about this octuplet issue. I finally looked into it and holy momma. She has no real job, she has $50,000 in student loans, no more disability pay except for 3 of her 6 previous kids who have special needs, living practically off $490 in food stamps. Oh and all 14 children come from the same sperm donor, and the report says he is floored--and not in a good way. With the same fertility doctor as well: WTF were you thinking, doc? On a sidenote, there is criticism and speculation that she may have had cosmetic surgery to look like Angelina Jolie (see lips). Anyway. Suleman says children are a blessing from God. She had 6 kids one after the other, 3 of which are disabled, then went back to have the last of her frozen embryos implanted, "because she couldn't bear knowing down the road of the possibilities (of the possible extra children she could have had)." Now with 14, she says she is 100, 200, 300% done. She was an only child and wanted lots and lots of kids, and saved up for that, but having 6 kids one after the other is more than enough in my opinion, I who am an only child as well. But then to turn around and to have 8 more kids in one go? She started showing after 9 DAYS. And at 5 months she had to limit her physical activity, and not long after, her back gave out and she had to stay under complete bedrest in a hospital. That doesn't sound right at all. The media has vilified her, and for good reason: what will the quality of life be for all 14 kids? She says at the end of the day, it's all about her kids and her love for them and yada yada, and indeed that is the big part of the equation, and I think the source of the vilification. There is also speculation she did this to garner attention and possibly use her kids as cash-cows? However, we all have the right to live private lives--yes, even celebrities, and she's become one over night through this. So I think the best thing to do is not to encourage her/her "habit" with attention but instead to let her deal with the consequences and in so doing, also let her live her own life, let the kids grow up normally, as normal as one can with 13 other siblings in a household. What's done is done, now to see what the future will bring. Nag-away nanaman kami ni J. Parang bawat linggo nalang. Ngunit sa huli ay nagkakabalikan naman kami, at kasayahan at pagmamahal ang bumabalik. Ngunit bakit ganito?
Ay ewan. Pag nasa maligaya akong kalagayan, iniisip ko na kahit ano kailangang gawin, sana magkasama pa rin kami. Ngunit minsan kapag ako'y nasasaktan o napupundi...hindi ko alam. At iyan mismo ay masakit. Tila minsa'y sayang ang panahon at trabaho at pagnasa, ngunit sa aking tunay na kalooban, alam ko hindi ito totoo.
Ay ewan. Basta; titingan ko nalang sa susunod ng pagsikat ng araw. In this era of buy-buy-buy
and me-me-me,
let the age-old standards endure--
of family, and togetherness,
and love, I say that is what the holidays are (should be)
about.
All else are tinsel on the tree.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Christmas in 3 days, y'all. Here's to a good end to 2008, and a hopeful start to 2009! Have a joyous Christmas and a blessed New Year! [ mood|  rushed] [ music| ] It snowed in Houston yesterday. Small flecks around 4 pm, then increasingly bigger flakes, til when we closed shop for the night, my colleagues and I all had a snowball fight in the parking lot! Not super big drifts on the ground, but just on cars, a little on the ground, and enough to coat the steps leading to my apartment and front porch! Oh my God. It snowed. In Houston. Who would've thought. Who says global warming doesn't exist now? [ mood|  tired] [ music| ] I used to write and post little (and some not-so-little!) ditties and of-the-moments constantly. Granted, I still do, only less profound and more transitory, via the all-knowing, all-encompassing Facebook. But it's not the same. Life got in the way, that's what. There are just so many things that happen. So many sundry tasks I never took for granted as they were all done for me in a past life but now no longer. Now I sweep my floors and mop when I can, launder my dirty clothing, clean my bathroom and sinks and everything else. It must get done, and done by me. Other tasks too like finally getting my car fully functional via a plate so I can finally drive and not be driven around. Then there is work. Work to pay the bills, and to get food in my belly. Work so I can continue doing all things myself. Old work, and now newer, more stringent work. Celluloid downloads to get away from it all, in itself a race to be up to date on. And then love: in my boyfriend whom I love more than life, who occupies my thoughts and dreams and hopes and whom I wish I could spend forever with. So I forget to write. I forget to write about Thanksgiving, my first break in ages, after working 3 jobs. And it was a wonderful time of waking up late and cuddling and snuggling, of eating my fill and maybe more. Christmas is already around the corner: already people are putting up decorations and radios are belting out holiday tunes. Busy days indeed. This is life: this is my life. [ mood|  working] [ music| Pandora] LIFE WOULD BE GREAT IF IT WERE BACKWARDS You'd start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, And then, you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case. 7 months yesterday <3 back to the matter at hand. From this blogger who is a British expat that married a Filipina. *parentheses are my additions Your middle name is your mother's maiden name. Your parents call each other "Mommy" and "Daddy." You have uncles and aunts named "Boy," "Girlie," or "Baby." You have relatives whose nicknames consist of repeated syllables like "Jun-Jun," "Ling-Ling," and "Mon-Mon." You call the parents of your friends and your own parents' friends "Tito" and "Tita." You have four or five names. You greet your elders by touching their hands to your forehead. You always kiss your relatives on the cheek whenever you enter or leave the room. You follow your parents' house rules even if you are over 18. You live with your parents until and at times even after you're married. You decorate your dining room wall with a picture of the "Last Supper." You keep your furniture wrapped in plastic or covered with blankets. You have a Sto. Niño shrine in your living room. You have a piano that no one plays. You keep a tabo (pail) in your bathroom. You use Vicks Vapor rub as an insect repellent. You eat with your hands. You eat more than three times a day. You think a meal is not a meal without rice. You think sandwiches are snacks, not meals. Your dining table has a merry-go-round (lazy Susan) in the middle. You bring baon to work everyday. Your pantry is never without Spam, Vienna sausage, corned beef, and sardines. You love to eat daing or tuyo (smelly salted fish). You prop up one knee while eating. You eat your meal with patis, toyo (soysauce), suka, banana catsup, or bagoong. Your tablecloths are stained with toyo circles. You love sticky desserts and salty snacks. You eat fried Spam and hot dogs with rice. You eat mangoes with rice--with great GUSTO! You love "dirty" ice cream. You love to eat, yet often manage to stay slim. You put hot dogs in your spaghetti. Everything you eat is sauteed in garlic, onion, and tomatoes. You order a "soft drink" instead of soda. You hang a rosary on your car's rear view mirror. You get together with family at a cemetery on All Saint's Day to eat, drink, and tell stories by your loved ones' graves. You play cards or mahjong and drink beer at funeral wakes. You think Christmas season begins in October and ends in January. Your second piece of luggage is a balikbayan box. You've mastered the art of packing a suitcase to double capacity. You collect items from airlines, hotels, and restaurants as "souvenirs." You feel obligated to give pasalubong (souvenir) to all your friends and relatives each time you return from a trip. You use paper foot outlines when buying shoes for friends and relatives. You're a fashion victim. You can convey 30 messages with your facial expression. You hold your palms together in front of you and say "excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of the TV. You ask for the bill at a restaurant by making a rectangle in the air. You cover your mouth when you laugh. You respond to a "Hoy!" or a "Pssst!" in a crowd. You'll answer "Malapit (near) lang!"--no matter the distance--when asked how far away a place is located. Goldilocks is more than a fairy tale character to you (it's also a bakeshop). You refer to power interruptions as "brownouts." You love to use the following acronyms: CR for comfort room, DI for dance instructor, DOM for dirty old man, TNT for tago nang tago (always hiding: staying illegally in the country), KJ for kill joy, KSP for kulang sa pansin (wanting for attention), OA for over-acting, TL for true love, BF for boyfriend and GF for girlfriend. You say "rubber shoes" instead of sneakers, "ball pen" instead of pen, "stockings" instead of pantyhose, "pampers" instead of diapers, "ref" or "prijider" instead of refrigerator, "Colgate" instead of toothpaste, "canteen" instead of cafeteria, and "open" or "close" instead of turn on or turn off (as in the lights). You use an umbrella for shade on hot summer days. You like everything imported or "state-side." You love ballroom dancing, bowling, pusoy, mahjong, billiards, and karaoke. You have a relative who is a nurse (my aunt is!). When you're in a restaurant, you wipe your plate and utensils before using them. You can squeeze 15 passengers into your five-seater car without a second thought. You wave a pom-pom on a stick around the food to keep the flies away. You always ring a doorbell twice, assuming that the first ring was not heard. You let the phone ring twice before answering, lest you appear overly eager. Your other piece of luggage is a balikbayan box. You use a rock to scrub yourself in the bath or shower. You're proud to be Filipino - and you pass these jokes on to all your Filipino friends! Incidentally, there is the book by Neni Sta. Romana-Cruz, whose cover, along with book details, can be seen in this website. Just spreading the Filipino love. [ mood|  busy] [ music| silence] From http://johnsuniverse.blogspot.com/2006/12/you-know-youre-filipino-when.html who is a British expat that married a Filipina. *parentheses are my additions Your middle name is your mother's maiden name. Your parents call each other "Mommy" and "Daddy." You have uncles and aunts named "Boy," "Girlie," or "Baby." You have relatives whose nicknames consist of repeated syllables like "Jun-Jun," "Ling-Ling," and "Mon-Mon." You call the parents of your friends and your own parents' friends "Tito" and "Tita." You have four or five names. You greet your elders by touching their hands to your forehead. You always kiss your relatives on the cheek whenever you enter or leave the room. You follow your parents' house rules even if you are over 18. You live with your parents until and at times even after you're married. You decorate your dining room wall with a picture of the "Last Supper." You keep your furniture wrapped in plastic or covered with blankets. You have a Sto. Niño shrine in your living room. You have a piano that no one plays. You keep a tabo (pail) in your bathroom. You use Vicks Vapor rub as an insect repellent. You eat with your hands. You eat more than three times a day. You think a meal is not a meal without rice. You think sandwiches are snacks, not meals. Your dining table has a merry-go-round (lazy Susan) in the middle. You bring baon to work everyday. Your pantry is never without Spam, Vienna sausage, corned beef, and sardines. You love to eat daing or tuyo (smelly salted fish). You prop up one knee while eating. You eat your meal with patis, toyo (soysauce), suka, banana catsup, or bagoong. Your tablecloths are stained with toyo circles. You love sticky desserts and salty snacks. You eat fried Spam and hot dogs with rice. You eat mangoes with rice--with great GUSTO! You love "dirty" ice cream. You love to eat, yet often manage to stay slim. You put hot dogs in your spaghetti. Everything you eat is sauteed in garlic, onion, and tomatoes. You order a "soft drink" instead of soda. You hang a rosary on your car's rear view mirror. You get together with family at a cemetery on All Saint's Day to eat, drink, and tell stories by your loved ones' graves. You play cards or mahjong and drink beer at funeral wakes. You think Christmas season begins in October and ends in January. Your second piece of luggage is a balikbayan box. You've mastered the art of packing a suitcase to double capacity. You collect items from airlines, hotels, and restaurants as "souvenirs." You feel obligated to give pasalubong (souvenir) to all your friends and relatives each time you return from a trip. You use paper foot outlines when buying shoes for friends and relatives. You're a fashion victim. You can convey 30 messages with your facial expression. You hold your palms together in front of you and say "excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of the TV. You ask for the bill at a restaurant by making a rectangle in the air. You cover your mouth when you laugh. You respond to a "Hoy!" or a "Pssst!" in a crowd. You'll answer "Malapit (near) lang!"--no matter the distance--when asked how far away a place is located. Goldilocks is more than a fairy tale character to you (it's also a bakeshop). You refer to power interruptions as "brownouts." You love to use the following acronyms: CR for comfort room, DI for dance instructor, DOM for dirty old man, TNT for tago nang tago (always hiding: staying illegally in the country), KJ for kill joy, KSP for kulang sa pansin (wanting for attention), OA for over-acting, TL for true love, BF for boyfriend and GF for girlfriend. You say "rubber shoes" instead of sneakers, "ball pen" instead of pen, "stockings" instead of pantyhose, "pampers" instead of diapers, "ref" or "prijider" instead of refrigerator, "Colgate" instead of toothpaste, "canteen" instead of cafeteria, and "open" or "close" instead of turn on or turn off (as in the lights). You use an umbrella for shade on hot summer days. You like everything imported or "state-side." You love ballroom dancing, bowling, pusoy, mahjong, billiards, and karaoke. You have a relative who is a nurse (my aunt is!). When you're in a restaurant, you wipe your plate and utensils before using them. You can squeeze 15 passengers into your five-seater car without a second thought. You wave a pom-pom on a stick around the food to keep the flies away. You always ring a doorbell twice, assuming that the first ring was not heard. You let the phone ring twice before answering, lest you appear overly eager. Your other piece of luggage is a balikbayan box. You use a rock to scrub yourself in the bath or shower. You're proud to be Filipino - and you pass these jokes on to all your Filipino friends! Incidentally, there is the book by Neni Sta. Romana-Cruz, whose cover, along with book details, can be seen in this website: http://www.libros.com.ph/bookdetails.asp?bookid=9789716300819 Just spreading the Filipino love. [ mood|  jubilant] [ music| listening to CNN and watching for the roach in my room, gulp] ...is Barack Hussein Obama. 338 electoral votes versus McCain's 155 as deeded by the Electoral College. YES. We will hope for January 2009, for change for the good. For now, WOOT! ...I feel I wear my heart on my sleeve too much.
...I give my boyfriend too much leeway and try to please him too much.
...I wish he'd tell me what's the score.
...I wish I could take stuff I said/did back.
...I wonder how single-hood compares to attached-hood and if I should revert.
...I overthink and panic.
STOP. Holy hex. I haven't posted in a while, have I? Well, life's gotten in the way. That sounds so lame, but sadly so true. Been learning to budget, and generally live within my means. Looking for better paying work, too. And of course gallivanting and just plain hanging out with my sweet boyfriend who also happens to cook: awesome! That said, it kinda helps that I love Houston. It hits me at odd moments, but yeah, for all its hugeness and humidity and crazy motorists, I do. Will try to update with something more substantial soon. [ mood|  moody] [ music| Zombie, The Cranberries ] When I doubt myself, being in a relationship, doubting things that matter, I think it's time I go to sleep. There may be rough patches, there may come a time when I feel feh and so see a relationship needs work too or ponder if I should do something else to prove I am capable of having fun elsewhere, thank you very much. But... YES my boyfriend is awesome. YES we have a lot in common. YES I bring a lot to the table. YES I am awesome. Now go to bed. Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly. -Anonymous When I think of my blessings, I think of you twice. -Irish proverb There is always the chance that things will be better in the morning. -get a tattoo: Seriously, one day: on my nape or hip, but hip ones change shape easier, so.
-get a better paying job: working on it, though gods I never knew how difficult and how it in itself is a process
-learn how to drive: um, YEAH.
-get a place with a washing machine and dryer: will help a lot but in the future, maybe: not really just yet
-grow my hair, and not highlight it anymore: we'll see. I want a trim sometime soon, though.
-join a band or choir (again): I miss singing. A LOT.
-go traveling again: God I miss it. Maybe Tibet! or Morocco...
-get scuba certified: maybe ask Mom if I can have that for Christmas?
-go back to school: learn something new, or relearn a language (which can also mean travel, whee)
-grow with my boyfriend: this would be nice to do :)
-love myself more: er.
-get healthier: figure out especially why especially I've been conking out so easily and frequently :(
I'm sure there are more out there, but this is what's on my mind right now. [ mood| tired] [ music| Zombie, The Cranberries ] -get a tattoo: Seriously, one day: on my nape or hip, but hip ones change shape easier, so. -get a better paying job: working on it, though gods I never knew how difficult and how it in itself is a process -learn how to drive: um, YEAH. -get a place with a washing machine and dryer: will help a lot but in the future, maybe: not really just yet -grow my hair, and not highlight it anymore: we'll see. I want a trim sometime soon, though. -join a band or choir (again): I miss singing. A LOT. -go traveling again: God I miss it. Maybe Tibet! or Morocco... -get scuba certified: maybe ask Mom if I can have that for Christmas? -go back to school: learn something new, or relearn a language (which can also mean travel, whee) -grow with my boyfriend: this would be nice to do :) -love myself more: er. -get healthier: figure out especially why especially I've been conking out so easily and frequently :( I'm sure there are more out there, but this is what's on my mind right now. [ mood| tired] [ music| ] I have to share this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY or his site http://www.wherethehellismatt.com Watch the video. Awe-inspiring, goosebumpy-ohmygod-tear-up WOW. Incidentally took my 1st class at Fountainview, Taz teaching (haven't had her in a good long while). This in the face of sleeping at 6 am, no breakfast, 3rd class in a row, practicing in the front beside Claire, and wearing a bra-top and loud faux-Pucci shorts to offset my tiredness, which worked, I guess. Yey for Bishnu Ghosh day! | Bago | Jul 8, '08 10:48 AM
for everyone |
Sige na nga.
Minsan, minsan, na-mimiss ko magsulat, magsalita sa wikang Filipino. Kahit Tagalog, o Ilonggo, basta Pinoy. Wala lang: mas nararamdaman kapag ako'y wala sa bansa kung saan ko siya magamit at maiintindihan ako, at nararamdaman din sa pagkakataon na ibig kong mai-share sa aking giliw, kahit hindi niya maintindihan; wala lang: siguro ganyan talaga.
Sinasabi nilang may komunidad dito ng mga ibang kapwa-Pilipino, pero hindi ko pa sila natagpuan. Sana balang araw...
Ngunit gusto kong manatili dito sa dayuhang bansa, dayuhang lugar. Ang sweldo ng aking trabaho ay 'di sapat, ngunit sana raraos din ako sa ganitong sitwasyon, at maipakita ko rin sa aking mga magulang na maaari na akong mamuhay na 'di nakasandal o gumagamit ng kanilang credit card, at pera.
Aminado akong may malaking kinalaman dito ang aking nobio, ngunit paano ang ganitong pakiramdam na tilang ibing mong kilalanin siya at masamahan siya habambuhay? Para sa akin, na kami'y natututo sabay-sabay ay masaya at nakakapagbigay-ligaya: na siya rin ay matalino ay mas nakakapagbigay-halaga sa aming relasyon. Kaya dapat magawan ko ng paraan manatili dito. Sana hindi masasayang lamang ang aking mga pagpursigi: sana may mga naramramdaman din siyang pagmamahal sa akin. Dahi oo, mahal ko siya. Sana mahal rin niya ako, sana matutuloy ito sa....hinaharap, sana sana. May posibilidad naman sa lahat, diba?
Ibig kong manatili pa rito. Aminado ko na minsa'y hinahanap ko ang mga "comfort" ng aking napaka komportableng buhay sa Pinas, kung saan lahat ay gumagana ng karapat-dapat, pwede akong magpagupit o pumunta ng parlor kahit kailan, ang mga damit ay linabhan na, na-plantsa na rin at natupi, ang bahay malinis, ang pagkain linuto. Aminado hinahanap ko ang mga ito minsan, sa aking mga pagkakataon ng kahinaan. Ngunit. Ngunit. Iniisip ko makakarating din ako sa ganyan, sa panahon, at kapag mkahanap ako ng ibang trabaho na nagbabayad ng mas malaking halaga. Hindi ko kailangan ang lahat ng "comforts" ng Pinas araw-araw. Una, hindi ko nagustuhang may mga katulong kami na nakasandal na kami sa kanila. Pangalawa, ang pagpunta sa parlor: pwede rin dito, ngunit di sin-dalas. At ang pinaka-importante sa tingin ko'y bata pa ako, at malusog. Kaya ko pang makaranas ng iba, maghirap, magtrabaho. Kailan pa? At sana, sana, uubra ito lahat, makakaraos ako, sana kasama ko pa si Jess, at sana, sana, it's all worth it.
Karagdagan: At the same time, kapag hindi kami matuluyan, paano na? Pag hindi umubra at kinailangan kong bumalik at magtrabaho sa pabrika, ano na ang resulta? Sabihin natin sa ngayon na ako'y ang "settle down with someone" tipong tao, eh ano kung hindi? Siempre pwede rin ang mga itong mangyari, pero sana sana hindi. Kaya sa aking sarili: maghanap na ng trabaho, rumaos na! I shouldn't open my heart too much, but guard it. Maybe I like him too fast, too much. I don't know why, and he seems to like me, too, but I don't want to be devastated again. It's painful, and crushing.
Laundry. Feeling congested. Hopefully tomorrow (or later) is better. I teach the noon and 4:30: those are usually good energy classes. Then take 6:30? Maybe, maybe. Hopefully eating should be scaling down, too.
But yeah, gotta protect my heart. Never be too vulnerable. And do I need to talk to him later? Maybe I should hold out. It hurts too much to be so open. As much as it is beautiful and exhilarating, it hurts. I don't like getting hurt. Then again, there is that common sentiment that love is a roller coaster ride: full of highs and lows, thus it can't be love without these extremes. I dunno. I can be passionate, but it can be too intense, I guess: the lows too low. Maybe I should step away from this first, see if he misses me, see if he feels similarly, at least. 'Coz it'll hurt even more if he doesn't, and that, that I might not bear as easily, bounce back from as unscathed. I love him so much it's scary. Now to step back, and see his side, maybe. Burrow myself in work, in yoga, in reading, whatever else maybe. Maybe? Again, I dunno. Oh God the ache. Oh God the drama? Maybe I wanted it: maybe I told the universe I wanted something different for a change, but still good. But now, enough, make it good times again!
I should turn in soon. A good thing about being sad is I usually have much less desire to eat. That and not do anything else, though, so oh well. I have stuff to think about. Scratch that. I need sleep. Yes. And yoga.
Job interview #2. It's a ways out, past the loop, so hopefully they'll give me a good offer. I need all the luck and prayers, so storm heaven, please--regarding Jess, regarding employment. Incidentally, I got told off by my boss, that I should study to get better, that mistakes should no longer happen, yadayada. I resent that, but he is right, I just wish he said it better. But it is what it is. We shall see. | Eff it. | Jul 1, '08 3:39 AM
for everyone |
I am as miserable as a bird who got left behind for the winter migration. Or something. Moping like mad. All this over a missed phone call. I wanted to tell my boyfriend about my day so bad, but my Mom called ahead by about a minute and I very well couldn't hang up. So I called the minute I hung up, but got voice mail. No call back. I get desperate and miserable and a feeling of "d'oh!" permeates my being. Damn tear ducts decide to start working overtime this instant. What. the. hell. Anyway. How can it hurt so easily, so deeply, so quickly? Damn it all, I am not used to this. I don't like this: feeling too useless to do anything, not even enough to go out and get a drink. I feel like an effin' zombie. Why is it like this? I don't like being this vulnerable. I feel like I was at fault, but that doesn't seem right: it's not like I deliberately missed his call: I was speaking to my MOM. So I feel like taking a step back and not answering calls or any form of communication from him half to punish him (in a skewed way for not calling back--female logic), but also because I don't like getting this involved, this deep into and vulnerable to someone. At the same time I miss him so much it hurts. Fuck it. I hate this. Why, why, WHY.
Damn leaky ducts.
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